lovely how my parents can spin a situation when they’re mad at each other for lack of communication so that they can pin their anger on me instead of admitting their faults and apologizing to each other.
hi, my name’s amanda, and i’ll never be good enough.
i am so over family, love, trust, loyalty. none of it exists. none of it exists if you don’t will it to, and growing up i have yet to see the truth of any of those. it. doesn’t. exist. i don’t care if it’s turned me into someone cynical who can have this totally depressing life view. i don’t care. to me, it’s realistic. life sucks. if you want it to be better you have to will it to be. if you don’t do anything about it, everyone disappoints. everyone has a breaking point. some place they stop and give up at. humans are pathetic people and life sucks. that’s all there is to it.
it’s sad how something so stupid can hurt you so much because people don’t understand and will never be able to get it.
funny how fast my mom turned from ‘amanda.. are you alright? why don’t you get out of bed. we can talk’
a few minutes later, she comes back, me not responding, ‘i’m not waiting until september first. there’s no way in hell.’ in reference to my ‘kick out’ date.
so glad i didn’t decide to get out of bed at all. you didn’t even care.
i’m slipping away from everyone. it’s getting harder to fake it. so i don’t. i hide in my bedroom. it’s nice here. especially when everyone’s asleep. it’s almost like i’m alone.
no one cares and no one notices. and the funny part is that you don’t actually want them to. you don’t want them to notice you’re not okay. to try and get inside you and what you’re going through and really understand. you don’t want them to really notice and try to care because truth is, even if they do notice. they won’t care. not for long.
i’ve eaten next to nothing these past two days. i’m not hungry. i don’t know why.
maybe something will happen. maybe i’ll pass out in a few days. be rushed to the hospital. maybe then they’ll give me a concrete reason. when people ask what’s wrong. then i can tell them. this is wrong. it’s wrong and the doctors told me so.
i’m trapped in my head right now. i can’t stop staring and typing. i don’t know. i don’t know what your reaction is going to be. i’m a silly little girl on the internet who’s sick of faking it. so what. move on to the next sorry case. why are you even still reading this. i’m fucked up. i’m not capable of love. i’m not capable of loving people and i don’t know why. i haven’t eaten anything decent in over forty eight hours and i don’t know why. i’m typing this and i’m about to publish it and i don’t know why. no one really cares. no one really will. this was a waste of my time. but at least i said it. it doesn’t make me feel any better. or any worse. it’s just.. out there now.
i don’t care if i don’t have a right to be pissed, i am anyway.
my dad wanted to use my laptop yesterday while i was busy curling my hair and listening to my itunes. then all the sudden i finish and go to find him and he’s taking a nap
so he’s all offended asking if he can’t just use my laptop for a bit today. he used it for three fucking hours.
he’s through 200/800 pictures and just has to use iphoto because it’s so great and fast
like fuck fucking that sdlkfjsdlkfjdls JUST FUCK.
i’m so mad. he thinks he’s going to like “use it tomorrow, and maybe the day after that.”
i don’t have a real reason to be pissed. but you know when i can barely access internet because my parents changed out wifi, i’m not allowed to use a car except for work, they shut off my phone because there assholes. my laptop is like the only thing i have left. i’m so fucking pissed right now for no reason AHHHHHHHHHHHH
have you ever had to live out of a bag? been kicked out on your ass by your parents? or left of your own free will because you were sick of the bullshit?
i remember when i moved out for a month my senior year of high school. i crammed a duffle bag full of my favorite clothes, one side pocket held my second pair of winter shoes, the other side i jammed with toiletries, and a few random things went into my backpack around my school stuff and i took off. i can remember taking out my clothes once i got to my friend’s bedroom, shirts, pants, other, all stacked up in piles in between the twin mattress i slept on in the corner and had to re inflate every couple days and the wall.
i don’t know why i’m sharing. a sort of nostalgia maybe? i haven’t made a decision yet, i still don’t know where i’m going when i get kicked out this time. i don’t know if i’m going to have my own room and pay rent, or if i’m going to live on someone’s bedroom floor, trying to take up as little space, food, and water as possible. i don’t know my future yet. i’m just lost in my thoughts.
i just needed somewhere to say all this without judgement.
i’ll be alright, i always am.
my struggles aren’t what define me and they sure as hell won’t be what breaks me.
it’s just hard because i can’t see the light at the other end of the tunnel. i’m gonna continue walking forward though and hope it shows up soon.
i’m just getting some much needed shit off my chest.
- my parents shut off my cell service
- even though i pay for it myself?
- they won’t let me use the car save for work
- even though i pay for my own gas too..
- they’re kicking me out
- once kicked out, i have zero access to a car
- worst case and probably, i’m going to lose my fucking job
- i have a great ass job okay
- i’m not going to college
- nor do i plan to go back any time soon what with all of the above
- i don’t even know what i want to do if i did want to go back
- my blog is now more than half my social life and i hate myself for that
- no one makes plans with me unless i initiate
- literally all i did a few weeks back was host tinychats with people
- who even shares that when asked what you did last night
- no one. just no
i literally have no desire to hear conversation starters.
i don’t lie when asked, and i don’t ever have anything good to say.